Journey Through My Crazy Life


If you talk to anyone who’s involved in a huge tragedy, you can’t say those cute cliches like “Pain forces you to grow” or “God has a wonderful plan for your life.” It sounds hollow and stupid, and I would slap myself in the face if I said those things too.

I believe more and…


Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.
Anthon St. Maarten (via perpetualtoska)

Feels good to hear these validating words

For those of you asking.

I have been hurt by people who knew what it is like to live in this pain.
I used to be in a big boat with tons of other infertiles like myself. We used to share our heartache and frustration with each other when we heard about so and so getting pregnant for the billionth time, or this teenaged drug addict getting pregnant. We’ve had heartfelt and emotional conversations… Full of passion and anger and that lovely twinge of jealousy.
Now it is just me. In a life boat… The pregnancy ship had sailed without me and those people who once felt exactly how I’m feeling now have abandoned me in my grief and told me I’m being unreasonable and unfair. They all want to know why I cant just be elated for them a d join in on their excitement… instead of feeling how I’ve always felt!!! Like my feelings should be different this time rather than how they have always been in this situation. It’s like they completely forgot the last several years of their life. I have no one now. No one to relate to. No one to share my pain with anymore because their ship had sailed and i am left in the middle of the ocean in my life raft without a paddle. I’m offensive to them now. My pain has offended them. Not everyone has told me that showing my pain has hurt them… Some people just dropped off the face of the earth. We once talked several times a week but once their miracle came…. Its been months since a hello. But I’m not sure which is worse. Having it said to my face…. Or behind my back.

Its easier to push you all out of my life… And for GOOD this time… Than to go on pretending to be friends.
I was only included for convenience anyways and I prefer to not be a convenience.
When it was not convenient for me to be around, I didn’t even exist.
So let’s just go back to me not existing.
Not everyone wins, but at least I won’t get hurt again


And these people claimed to be my friends and my family……

Never again

This means goodbye

Suicide is so prevelant. People have a hard time talking about their depression because they fear that people will judge them. They fear that people will not validate their pain. Or, they fear that people will say they are being dramatic.

"what do they have to be unhappy about? They have a spouse, good cars, a nice house, and kids. Their life is perfect"
“here we go again with the posts about being depressed, she was just happy yesterday! “
” she’s sad because a good thing happened to me, why can’t she just get over herself and be happy for me”

Depression, grief, sadness,… All of these things go hand in hand. It’s a struggle some days to get out of bed and put a smile on. But when the good days come, life feels fresh and new!
It’s so hard to understand how one day you can be the happiest person on The planet and then the next day wishing that you just no longer existed.
I’ve battled depression since my childhood, and the older I get, the more triggers I have.
If something triggers me and it just so happens to involve you, don’t get all pissed off and high and mighty at me because trust me, I’m already pissed off at myself enough. If you truly love me, you would try to understand. And if you just don’t want to try to understand, then please remove yourself from my life. It would be best for the both of us.
I gave up on trying to please people. I gave up on trying to force people to be my friend.
And I really wish I could give up on trying to prove my point.

It takes a strong person to love someone who battles depression. If you can’t handle me at my worst, please don’t pretend to like me at my best.

Don’t take my pain personally. It’s not an attack against you. It’s my own personal battle between my flesh and my spirit. It has NOTHING to do with you. Enjoy your blessings. Thank God for them. If I were you, I wouldn’t think twice about proclaiming my happiness. Everyone has a right to be elated! …. But I also have a right not to be. So I will let you be, and you let me be. And let’s all just get along shall we?!

I pray to him. I read his word. I have never done drugs. I have never been drunk. I have never cursed his name. I have a giving and loving heart, to the point that I’d give the shirt off my back for a person in need. I respect my parents. I have served them in more ways than anyone in their life has, I’m sure of it. I’ve dedicated my life to serving God. I’ve stuck my neck out for him. I’ve been persecuted for him. I go against the grain. I don’t live the way the world lives. I have made many many mistakes in my life of course…. But I have always cherished my God. My Savior. My creator. My heavenly father. I stayed pure and married the man God designed for me. I’ve been completely faithful to him. I have honored him as a Wife should. I have submitted to him and I serve him as a wife should. I’ve had to make hard hard choices in life just so we could follow God together. Again, I have made many many mistake in my life…. And I have been heartbroken towards God. But I have never forgotten my first love. My bridegroom. The almighty.
He blesses us. He gives life to us. He makes miracles happen.
What more do I have to do? What else can I do to prove my faithfulness? Why does he let this punishment continue? He can do all things… So why won’t he? For me? I see him doing it for those whose lives haven’t bore his fruit. My flesh wants to say… “it’s not worth the fight anymore!!!! Just give up and live the ‘easy life’”
But my spirit screams at me to repent for even thinking that way.
So what do I do?
How do I stop the “why me” and just learn to live with this ache?
Learn to smile through it? And learn to congratulate without spite in my heart? Without the evil twinge of jealousy ripping through my veins?
God, how! Equip me with this ability because I have dug deep and cannot find it within me. I just don’t know how!! I’m desperate. I’m weak. I’m so broken. Lord,….. Please. I’m begging you to take this from me

Why is God making the impossible, possible…. For everyone but me?!

Don’t give up.


To all the women trying for to complete their lives, don’t give up.
Infertility is a battle. A battle that can be won. Infertility is a disease, a disease with solutions. Infertility is a struggle, but there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.
Don’t give up.
Yes, it’s unfair. It’s painful. It’s stressful. It’s heartbreaking. Yes, it hurts.
But you cannot give up. Your future is waiting for you.
Please, don’t give up.

When you don’t know what to say…..

I hate when there is something I want to say…I need to say… But I can’t find the right words to accurately express my feelings so that everyone would understand. I feel that if I say it how I think it, it will come out wrong and I will be judged. Now, normally I could care less what anyone else thinks or says about me… But this time. I do care. In this case, I care very much. So let’s see if I can relay the message in my heart without a negative outcome. Please don’t judge!!!!

Foster care is hard. Foster children are hard to deal with. Especially when they are older. And especially for those of us who have/had no biological children first. I’ve worked with children and in childcare for over a decade, but I’ve never been a parent. I’ve taken care of other people’s children for ever, but never on a constant daily basis in my home. And when my husband and I realized that we may never have biological children, we dove feet first into foster care without REALLY understanding what we were doing. Like I have said before, ryan and i are dreamers. We tried to map out our lives and have only failed at living out our dreams. When we accepted 3 children into our home, we were dreaming through rose colored glasses. But a mere 3 months later, we’ve taken our “beautiful life” goggles off and we see our world in true light. Is not what we imagined. It’s not what we had hoped for.
I love these kids from the bottom of my heart! I live for them everyday right now until they go home. But they aren’t MY children. Not just because they aren’t up for adoption, but because I am not attached to them the way a mother is to their child. My hope was that, like with my dear friend Joy, that once we had children in our home, my desperate desire to concieve and carry and give birth to my own beautiful healthy children would dissipate and I would learn to live again. But that dream also failed. If anything, this experience has made my desire stronger. My heart has always been for children, but now, my heart is for my own. I’ve grown tired of being a babysitter, a daycare teacher, and a nanny. And in the present, I am a full time live in nanny. Or at least that is how I feel. Again, I dearly love these children and I will do everything in my power to keep them safe and care for them for as long as it takes until they go home. But I’ve also come to realize that foster care isn’t for everyone. And im not sure if I can do this again.

One day. I hope


#anomaly @lecrae @jeffersonbethke


#anomaly @lecrae @jeffersonbethke

What happens when I have a mood swing…







Yes, yes to all of them.