My pursuit of Happiness
Journey Through Life
throwindown-inthedirtydirtysouth:
New perspective on what mothers usually find “annoying”
New perspective
(Source: hyojineee, via my-ttc-j0urney)
If you are anything like me, Mothers Day is just another painful reminder of what never was. This also happens to be our 3 year anniversary of TTC. I’ve sat back and watched couple after couple lap us and become parents. I congratulate them and then wonder if I will ever be a part of that elite…
safe inside my womb
I never thought this post would get so many notes. :)
Excellent image
(Source: ouririshtwins, via itsnvr2late)
(Source: bydsa, via wedeserveababy)
Well it’s been 2 months since my last post. Here is a recap of the last few busy months :)
In March my hubby and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary in Florida! We drove down there (awful drive lol) and stayed with his sister, brother in law, and their son Maclain. We went to Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Downtown Disney, and Sea World! We spent a ton of money and literally had the time of our lives! I’ve never enjoyed myself and my husband more than feeling like a child in the magical world of Disney! It was soooo much fun!!
My 6 year old niece Gracie came to stay with us for an entire week for her Spring break and we had so much fun together. Bowling, arcades, go carts, mini golf, and shopping!! She is such a blessing to me :) I got to spend Easter weekend at home in Illinois with my family and my other princess, Lily Bug, which is always a great time!
Not much happening on the TTC front. I’m starting to feel like it might be time to pick things back up and start trying again. My hopes were to lose a ton of weight and start this summer. But sadly, I haven’t lost much weight. and in that i am so disappointed in myself. See I have been lying to everyone around me because I’ve been having an issue with bingeing on junk food. When I first started this weight loss journey, in 4 weeks I lost 11 pounds by myself just working out every single day and eating very strictly. But Christmas came and new years came and the junk food came and my addiction to sweets overwhelmed me. cookies cakes pies sweets….I set myself up for failure really. 4 weeks of deprivation threw me into an obsessive tailspin that caused me to eat everything basically. I knew i screwed up big time. When we got back home and to the gym the next day, i realized in 2 weeks i gained 6 pounds. I felt utterly hopeless.
flash forward through 8 weeks with a personal trainer and, even though I’ve gained a ton of muscle and stamina, I have still not lost any lbs. Tomorrow will be my last day with my very expensive but very amazing trainer and i have my final weight in and measurement. I know I didn’t fail, because I never quit. but i still feel a sense of failure because i didn’t meet my own expectations. I feel like i let myself and my husband down because we paid so much money and I didn’t stick with eating healthy 100%. But I can’t have regrets because regrets prevent you from moving forward. So It’s time to move forward!!!
These past two months have brought love and excitement back into my heart! I’ve enjoyed life more in the past 2 months than I have let myself in the past 2 years! And I am thanking God for that.
If you ask a woman what she fears most about starting a family, most will say the same thing. They are afraid they won’t know what to do or how to care for a newborn. They are afraid of giving birth. They are afraid they might mess up. They will lose sleep and won’t be able to party like they used to. They are afraid of the responsibilities and wether or not they can support the baby. Etc…
But ask a woman who has prayed and wished and dreamed of being a mother their whole life but have only miscarried their children, what they are afraid of and they will say…..pregnancy.
Pregnancy scares me. No, pregnancy terrifies me!!! Being pregnant is supposed to be exciting. Its supposed to be beautiful and wonderful and just amazing. But pregnancy for me has been a nightmare.
I want nothing more than to be a mother. To raise my beautiful child in the ways of the Lord. To teach them the beauty of Salvation and show them the world! To watch them grow, and love and comfort them when they lose. Even making mistakes and learning from them! But the thought of growing a child in the womb that has betrayed me, clouds my passion and replaces it with fear. I do not fear the sleepless nights, or the responsibility of parenthood, or the loss of “me time” and personal freedom. Those things i actually look forward to.
But for me, the journey to motherhood has not been pleasant so far. I dont know if ill ever enjoy the idea of pregnancy because every twinge, every spot or cramp, every symptom that goes away or comes up will have me wanting to call a Dr. The weeks between ultrasounds and checkups will leave me panicking and my entire pregnancy will be full of anticipation for the end.
I won’t want to decorate or buy baby items until the very last minute. I wont look forward to a baby shower until after baby is out and alive and well. Ill be afraid of maternity photos and memories made feeling and watching baby move inside me. Because in the bsck of my mind ill never feel like my baby is safe inside of me.
Last nights dinner 1/9/13
Easiest most delicious meal
Simple and quick ingredients and super colorful and healthy!
Polish sausage
1/2 green bell pepper
1/2 yellow bell pepper
1/2 red bell pepper
1/2 orange bell pepper
6-7 small yellow potatoes
2 cloves garlic
Handful of fresh mushrooms
Handful of cherry tomatoes
Pour olive oil in a deep dish skillet (just enough for cooking). Slice all your peppers and throw them in first, and cover. Cut up potatoes in bite sized chunks and throw them in the pan and cover. Finely chop your garlic and throw them in. Throw in the tomatoes and mushrooms and finally add the polish sausage. Let it all cook together and stir frequently! All the flavors will just mix and meld together. It’s absolutely delicious. Once the peppers begin to get a little droopy looking it’ll be done. And serve with buttered g-free rolls! :)
““He Lost His Baby Too”
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief
Since ‘men dont cry’ and ‘men are strong’
No tears can bring relief
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest
They always ask if she’s alright
And what she’s going through
But seldom take his hand and ask
‘My friend, but how are you?’
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
He dries her tears and comforts her
But ‘stays strong’ for her sake
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave—
He lost his baby, too”
Sunday night’s dinner (12/16/12)
Serves 4 for $8
This.was.AMAZING!!!!! I’ve made stuffed peppers before but this recipe was just incredible. My husband cleared his plate, which rarely happens!!
- 4 large green peppers
- 4 servings of cooked brown rice (check your. bag for instructions)
- 1 small yellow onion, chopped
- 3 cloves garlic, chopped
- 1/8 tspn tumeric powder
- 2 beef boullion cubes
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 2 tblspns lemon juice
- 1 lb ground beef, browned
- olive oil for cooking
1) put a large pot of water to boil, put peppers in to boil for three minutes. Preheat oven to 350. Place on aluminum foil in a shallow baking dish (to catch drippings/droppings)
2) start your brown rice, follow cooking directions on back of the bag. Once its boiling, add in tumeric powder and beef boullian cubes.
3) heat up some olive oil in a pan. Add in the chopped onion and cook until carmelized. Add in the chopped garlic and let cook for a few minutes to release the flavor. Add in ground beef and cover to lock in the flavor as it cooks, stirring occaisionally.
4) once rice is done, pour it in the groundbeef mixture and stir. Once contents are combined, spoon them in the peppers on the baking dish and stuff those babys full!!!
5) cover with aluminum foil and bake in oven for 25minutes or until peppers are tender.
8 years ago, at 19 years old, I began praying, and I mean RREAALLLYY praying, for God to prepare me to be a wife and to prepare my future mate to be the best God fearing husband he could be. I asked him to set our lives in motion so that our paths would cross and we would know that it was just right! I had my days of doubt, thinking and even speaking out that I was going to be a lonely cat lady because i never truly believed that any man on this earth could love me the way that God intended. I never had love in my life (besides family of course). I had days where all I did was cry and yell at God because I felt like he had forgotten about me. I felt like everyone around me was happily dating, engaged, or married, and I soon became the only single person in my circle of friends and close family. Everyone had someone to spend life with except for me. I was miserable, I was growing bitter, and began to become jealous. If ever I went to a wedding, I would cry for days after because I wanted that so so badly.
Fast forward to today, I’m married to a wonderful God fearing man who, and you better believe this, fits every aspect of my “future mate” list that I created in Purity class when I was 19, from eye color to handyman-ness, to no chest hair! (sorry for praying that baby lol) But Looking at Ryans life 8 years ago, he wasn’t anywhere near to being the man that he is today. Yes, he left me waiting for a very long time! He was venturing into a relationship that turned into a painful divorce. But all of what happened led him back home with his parents, where he then got a job at Menards, and a short time later ended up in Illinois where, months of being single and alone time with God and with coop-a-loop, eventually led him to me!
Some unbelievers may think it’s just a coincidence, but i don’t believe in coincidences, I believe in God’s plan for my life. When Ryan and I met for the first time, it wasn’t a spark of lust or butterflies or magic stars and hearts all around my head. It was more of a familiar feeling, a good feeling. Like I knew him my whole life. Like he was my friend, someone I could talk to and spend hours with like I would any of my other friends. It felt like home with him. And that’s when I felt that peace in my heart that I had been longing for since 19 years old. The beginning stages of Ryan and my relationship was like any other. We talked on the phone, texted each other, watched movies at his place while we ate dinner that HE COOKED!! :) The difference was that It felt so natural. I didn’t ever once feel like I had to impress him or woo him or make him have feelings for me, because love was recprocated.
Why am I even telling this sweet story? Well it’s because I realized that I lost sight of God’s plan, and of this huge HUGE blessing that I waited 5+ years for. We as imperfect, sinful human beings tend to always want more and more and more. Our flesh can never be satisfied. Nothing is ever enough. But I need to learn that God’s love is enough, God is enough. God is MORE than enough. I always wanted to be a mother, but I first wanted to be a wife. And God gave me that gift when Ryan was ready to be given. I’ve been so wrapped up in my pain and grief that I forgot to thank God for my amazing gift. I forgot to appreciate it and love it with the agape love that God gives me daily. I have to prayerfully apologize to God for putting this long awaited gift on the back burner because my flesh desires a child. And that cycle of anger and jelousy and pain that I felt 8 years ago, that thought that i would never be a wife and never find true love, it began again. I began feeling that I’ll never be a mother, I’ll be a childless woman for the rest of my life. But I honestly don’t know God’s plan. Or where we will be in the future, or if we ever will have children to have and hold on this earth. But i’m still a wife! And I’ll always be a wife now. I’ll always have this gift that God blessed me with that I still need to thank him for every single day. Because every day that we have with each other is another day that God has blessed us both.
I will always have hope for my children and I’ll always look to the possibility of that blessing. But for now, my blessing is right in front of me, And I need to be more thankful for My husband. The fact that I can say that I have a husband is incredible! The fact that I’ll never be a cat lady is insanely awesome, because i really don’t even like cats! And the fact that the first year and a half of my long awaited for marriage was filled with so much pain and heartache and chaos was proof that This much awaited blessing was being terrorized by a devil that didn’t WANT me to be blessed. And I almost let go of my blessing and let the devil defeat me. But never again will I give him the advantage, and never again will I let a day go by without thanking God for my husband.
I Love you Ryan~
Pamela’s Gluten Free Bread.
So I tried this pre made kit ( Pamela’s Brand Bread Mix From Meijer in the healthy living section) in my bread machine and didn’t realize it made 2 loaves!!! So needless to say my bread maker was a doughy mess. So I scooped out the dough into a bread pan and finished it in the oven. The top was finished way before the middle and….well I’ll just say I kinda ruined it. Hahaha!! I had high expectations for my very first home baked loaf of glutenfree bread and was a little shot down. I guess I shouldn’t say it is ruined, the middle is just a little mushy. So I’m going to slice it and freeze it and when I want a piece I’ll toast the piece I want, this way the middle will firm up. And then next time I make it I’ll pay more attention to the directions!!! Oy vey!!
Sunday Night’s Dinner 12/9/12
Serves 12 for $7
Breakfast for dinner!! This is so filling. And my friends…..fattening lol. I won’t be making this again for a while, not because it’s not good because it was excellent! Its just not a very healthy meal lol. To make it healthier, I could’ve used turkey bacon, low fat ham, and just egg whites instead of the whole egg. So that’ll be next time. But tomorrow I’ll be spending an extra half hour in the gym lol
Ok so!
-Preheat oven to 400
-You just buy thin sliced ham (nitrate free, gluten free lunch meat…or sliced ham from the deli). You’ll need at least 12 slices.
-place 1 slice of ham in each cupcake hole.
-cut 6 strips of bacon in half and place one half in each cupcake hole.
-open 6 eggs into a blender and mix eggs. Pour blended eggs into each hole (just enough as to not spill over as it cooks.)
-bake for 12-15 minutes or until eggs are done and edges of ham are crisp.
-spoon out the cups and serve hot
And prepare to work off those calories ladies!! I ate two and I was stuffed!!!
lovemetender96 asked: This isn't a question but I wish you luck in losing your weight! I believe in you!
Thank you very much!! I appreciate your support, I’m very grateful to have so many people lifting me up along the way! :)
Saturday Night’s Dinner 12/8/12
Serves 6 for under $10
This.Was.Delicious!!!! Crunchy bell peppers mixed with spicey spices, perfect winter meal! Plus it’s quick and easy!! About 45 minutes for prep and cook time!
Ingredients:
- 2 tblspns extra virgin olive oil
- 1 lb ground beef
- 1 green bell pepper cored seeded and chopped
- 1 red bell pepper cored seeded and chopped
- 1 yellow bell pepper cored seeded and chopped
- 2 tblspns finely chopped garlic
- 1 small yellow onion chopped
- 1/2 tspn salt
- ground black pepper to taste
- 2 cans kidney beans rinsed and drained
- 3 medium sized tomatoes diced
- 1 1/2 cups of water
- 2 tblspns chili powder
- 1 bay leaf
- 1/2 tspn ground cumin
- red pepper flakes to taste
1) heat oil in a large pot. Add ground beef, bell peppers, garlic, onion, and salt and cook, stirring often for 5 minutes.
2) add beans, tomatoes, water, chili powder, bay leaf, cumin, and pepper flakes and simmer, covered, until flavors meld, about 30 minutes.
3) remove and discard bay leaf. Ladle chili into bowls and enjoy this warm meal with family and friends!!
Ps. This would be excellent without the Meat, making it vegan!! With all the flavors, it hardly even needs the beef!
