Well it’s been 2 months since my last post. Here is a recap of the last few busy months :)
In March my hubby and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary in Florida! We drove down there (awful drive lol) and stayed with his sister, brother in law, and their son Maclain. We went to Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Downtown Disney, and Sea World! We spent a ton of money and literally had the time of our lives! I’ve never enjoyed myself and my husband more than feeling like a child in the magical world of Disney! It was soooo much fun!!
My 6 year old niece Gracie came to stay with us for an entire week for her Spring break and we had so much fun together. Bowling, arcades, go carts, mini golf, and shopping!! She is such a blessing to me :) I got to spend Easter weekend at home in Illinois with my family and my other princess, Lily Bug, which is always a great time!
Not much happening on the TTC front. I’m starting to feel like it might be time to pick things back up and start trying again. My hopes were to lose a ton of weight and start this summer. But sadly, I haven’t lost much weight. and in that i am so disappointed in myself. See I have been lying to everyone around me because I’ve been having an issue with bingeing on junk food. When I first started this weight loss journey, in 4 weeks I lost 11 pounds by myself just working out every single day and eating very strictly. But Christmas came and new years came and the junk food came and my addiction to sweets overwhelmed me. cookies cakes pies sweets….I set myself up for failure really. 4 weeks of deprivation threw me into an obsessive tailspin that caused me to eat everything basically. I knew i screwed up big time. When we got back home and to the gym the next day, i realized in 2 weeks i gained 6 pounds. I felt utterly hopeless.
flash forward through 8 weeks with a personal trainer and, even though I’ve gained a ton of muscle and stamina, I have still not lost any lbs. Tomorrow will be my last day with my very expensive but very amazing trainer and i have my final weight in and measurement. I know I didn’t fail, because I never quit. but i still feel a sense of failure because i didn’t meet my own expectations. I feel like i let myself and my husband down because we paid so much money and I didn’t stick with eating healthy 100%. But I can’t have regrets because regrets prevent you from moving forward. So It’s time to move forward!!!
These past two months have brought love and excitement back into my heart! I’ve enjoyed life more in the past 2 months than I have let myself in the past 2 years! And I am thanking God for that.
If you ask a woman what she fears most about starting a family, most will say the same thing. They are afraid they won’t know what to do or how to care for a newborn. They are afraid of giving birth. They are afraid they might mess up. They will lose sleep and won’t be able to party like they used to. They are afraid of the responsibilities and wether or not they can support the baby. Etc…
But ask a woman who has prayed and wished and dreamed of being a mother their whole life but have only miscarried their children, what they are afraid of and they will say…..pregnancy.
Pregnancy scares me. No, pregnancy terrifies me!!! Being pregnant is supposed to be exciting. Its supposed to be beautiful and wonderful and just amazing. But pregnancy for me has been a nightmare.
I want nothing more than to be a mother. To raise my beautiful child in the ways of the Lord. To teach them the beauty of Salvation and show them the world! To watch them grow, and love and comfort them when they lose. Even making mistakes and learning from them! But the thought of growing a child in the womb that has betrayed me, clouds my passion and replaces it with fear. I do not fear the sleepless nights, or the responsibility of parenthood, or the loss of “me time” and personal freedom. Those things i actually look forward to.
But for me, the journey to motherhood has not been pleasant so far. I dont know if ill ever enjoy the idea of pregnancy because every twinge, every spot or cramp, every symptom that goes away or comes up will have me wanting to call a Dr. The weeks between ultrasounds and checkups will leave me panicking and my entire pregnancy will be full of anticipation for the end.
I won’t want to decorate or buy baby items until the very last minute. I wont look forward to a baby shower until after baby is out and alive and well. Ill be afraid of maternity photos and memories made feeling and watching baby move inside me. Because in the bsck of my mind ill never feel like my baby is safe inside of me.
““He Lost His Baby Too”
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief
Since ‘men dont cry’ and ‘men are strong’
No tears can bring relief
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest
They always ask if she’s alright
And what she’s going through
But seldom take his hand and ask
‘My friend, but how are you?’
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
He dries her tears and comforts her
But ‘stays strong’ for her sake
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave—
He lost his baby, too”
lovemetender96 asked: This isn't a question but I wish you luck in losing your weight! I believe in you!
Thank you very much!! I appreciate your support, I’m very grateful to have so many people lifting me up along the way! :)