Oh my goodness! It’s been so long since my last blog. October was an extremely busy month, November is becoming a busy month, and December will be crazy too! The holidays keep me busy, but they also make me think more about our little ones in Heaven who SHOULD be enjoying these festive family times with us.
So hubby and I are really doing well! God has been blessing us financially and in our marriage relationship as well. We have both finally gotten on the same page in so many different things. We have our days and arguments of course, but we are able to enjoy spending time with each other. I’m always afraid of these “mountain tops” though. What goes up, must come down, and i’m always afraid of that part.
We just experienced this feeling a few weeks ago. Hubby and I had decided to stop Trying for a baby (as you read in our previous blog) and begin to refocus on US! And we did! However, the day that Mother Natures Red Devil was due to arrive, SHE NEVER SHOWED!! I was so ecstatic! I really thought that i was just wrong about the ‘stop trying and relax’ approach because in all my years I’ve never been late for my period without a positive pregnancy test! Surely this was our month!
Originally, I was dreading the thought of my period being due on November 1st because if we had not lost our first baby, then he or she would have been due on November 1st! When Thursday rolled along and no AF I couldn’t wait to run to Walmart for a test! I thought this was a miracle, a gift from God! Friday morning I took the test and BIG FAT NEGATIVE. All of my excitement came back and sucker punched me in the face. I felt so much heartache, rejection, failure, and disappointment, yet again. But i thought, well maybe it’s still too early, I’ll get a better test and take it tomorrow. Saturday morning’s test was negative, Sunday morning’s test was negative, and so was Monday’s, Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s tests! I was almost officially one week late and i had no idea what to think! I had so many symptoms of pregnancy! SO MANY OF THEM! This had never happened to me before! So Thursday I called a Dr and had them order an HCG test. The test was 0.5 (anything under 5 is considered negative). So now, I was a week late and had no signs of my cycle starting. And as my “pregnancy” symptoms began to disappear, the Dr was going to prescribe medicine to make me have a period. If by that Monday i did not start, the medicine would be called in. Well, needless to say, my body cooperated and started on it’s own, and let me tell you, My uterus was raging! Probably top 5 worst cramps I’ve ever had in my life!
So here we are on Cycle Day 6 and my heart wants me to keep trying, my husband wants us to begin again, but my flesh is so terrified of welcoming the possibility of another month of heartache, rejection, and the F word again, “failure”. So we found an RE here in town that has agreed to see us and help us figure out what is going on. And we are hopeful that 2013 will be a better year.
Keep following for updates in our journey! I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read about our mundane lives! :) God Bless!
I’ve been proud of my ongoing optimism. I’m still not a mommy, no not yet, but I know one day I will be. I’m still sickened by the disappointments from 19 months of failed TTC, but I’m choosing not to dwell on the past anymore. I haven’t moved on from the deep desire to be a mother, and I haven’t given up on the dream, but I’ve moved on with my life in hopes and faith that God will bring me that happiness one day when he decides that it’s time. (Hopefully not toooooo much longer lol) but It’s all up to him. In the meantime, hubby and I are in love. We have fallen even deeper in love. We are learning again to cherish each other. And i must say, it’s beautiful! I have always loved my husband, but for a moment i felt as if we were losing each other. The stresses of his work, of my depression, of our finances, they were weighing down our ability to love each other unconditionally. And I truly believe that we’ve found a passion for each other again. Tuesday we finally both had the entire day off together! And guess what folks, NOT ONE SINGLE ARGUMENT! It was Heavenly. We spent an hour at the dog park with our furry kiddos who absolutely had the best time of their little lives. We went for a 2 mile walk to the video store and not only did i keep up with Mr long legs but i didn’t get out of breath! And then we spent the rest of the night watching a movie, cuddling on the couch, and just BEING with each other. Days like those are why i wanted to be married in the first place. To connect with someone that you love and you know loves you back no matter what the past has been like. To share moments and memories that will last forever.
And I want to say i’m EXTREMELY proud of my husband. Not only does he work long stressful difficult days and hours at his job, but he has handed over control of the bills to me. Which means every 70 hour work week he gives me all of his money and only keeps 15% for himself. He gives all the rest to me for bills, groceries, etc. And he has been doing an amazing job at keeping his word and letting me take care of our finances!
Oh and i’m down 3 inches so far, dropped a pants size, and 4 pounds~ woohoo!!