Alain de Botton (via erraticintrovert)
My weaknesses don’t define me, but they are a part of who I am.
Lol had to repost
The hardest thing to witness was the pain in my husbands eyes on fathers day as my brother and dad were opening up their fathers day gifts and cards. We went into the bedroom and he tearfully said (with a pouted lip might I add) “I wanted to open fathers day presents”… My heart sank and a lump rose in my throat as I fought back tears. I felt like, for the first time, my husband was outwardly grieving our Angels. I hated that he knew the pain that I feel. If it weren’t for our financial situation right now, I would have gotten him fathers day presents from our Angels! But it surely isn’t the same as receiving it from silly smiles and tiny fingers; cards written with love in backwards letters and little circles. (Anyone around toddlers know what I mean). When I saw this “e-card” on facebook, it prompted me to write this blog post. Throughout our 27 months of TTC, I’ve had numerous people say this to me. “You can take mine and you won’t want kids after that”. “You can have mine! I have had enough of them today!”. Or the famous posts that I see constantly, “Anyone want any kids? I’m getting rid of mine!”. I know parenting a child is hard. It’s work. Constant hard work. I’m sure there are days where ya’ll are ready to rip your hair out and kick your kids to the curb! But from the prospective of a childless parent, it’s like a kick in the teeth. To us, it seems like you are taking advantage of what you have. We see the blessings before you, but you don’t. And if you offer me your kids one more time, I’ll get a lawyer to draw up some papers and I’ll devote my life to what you aren’t appreciating! lol Not literally of course. But inside that’s what I’m screaming! It isn’t just days like fathers day that bring a sting to Infertile families. It’s every single holiday. It’s summer days at the beach. It’s a vacation at Disney. It’s a trip to the zoo. It’s going to the grocery store or the mall. The sting is all around us. It’s pregnancy announcements, baby showers, births, birthday parties, a trip to the park! It’s a daily reminder that we are silently suffering but are expected to smile! It’s the fight to gleam when we have to watch other fathers open up handwritten cards made from love by tiny fingers in backwards letters and circles.
Yuuuup. CD 1 TODAY :(
New perspective on what mothers usually find “annoying”
What it feels like…
If you are anything like me, Mothers Day is just another painful reminder of what never was. This also happens to be our 3 year anniversary of TTC. I’ve sat back and watched couple after couple lap us and become parents. I congratulate them and then wonder if I will ever be a part of that elite…
safe inside my womb
I never thought this post would get so many notes. :)
Well it’s been 2 months since my last post. Here is a recap of the last few busy months :)
In March my hubby and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary in Florida! We drove down there (awful drive lol) and stayed with his sister, brother in law, and their son Maclain. We went to Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Downtown Disney, and Sea World! We spent a ton of money and literally had the time of our lives! I’ve never enjoyed myself and my husband more than feeling like a child in the magical world of Disney! It was soooo much fun!!
My 6 year old niece Gracie came to stay with us for an entire week for her Spring break and we had so much fun together. Bowling, arcades, go carts, mini golf, and shopping!! She is such a blessing to me :) I got to spend Easter weekend at home in Illinois with my family and my other princess, Lily Bug, which is always a great time!
Not much happening on the TTC front. I’m starting to feel like it might be time to pick things back up and start trying again. My hopes were to lose a ton of weight and start this summer. But sadly, I haven’t lost much weight. and in that i am so disappointed in myself. See I have been lying to everyone around me because I’ve been having an issue with bingeing on junk food. When I first started this weight loss journey, in 4 weeks I lost 11 pounds by myself just working out every single day and eating very strictly. But Christmas came and new years came and the junk food came and my addiction to sweets overwhelmed me. cookies cakes pies sweets….I set myself up for failure really. 4 weeks of deprivation threw me into an obsessive tailspin that caused me to eat everything basically. I knew i screwed up big time. When we got back home and to the gym the next day, i realized in 2 weeks i gained 6 pounds. I felt utterly hopeless.
flash forward through 8 weeks with a personal trainer and, even though I’ve gained a ton of muscle and stamina, I have still not lost any lbs. Tomorrow will be my last day with my very expensive but very amazing trainer and i have my final weight in and measurement. I know I didn’t fail, because I never quit. but i still feel a sense of failure because i didn’t meet my own expectations. I feel like i let myself and my husband down because we paid so much money and I didn’t stick with eating healthy 100%. But I can’t have regrets because regrets prevent you from moving forward. So It’s time to move forward!!!
These past two months have brought love and excitement back into my heart! I’ve enjoyed life more in the past 2 months than I have let myself in the past 2 years! And I am thanking God for that.
If you ask a woman what she fears most about starting a family, most will say the same thing. They are afraid they won’t know what to do or how to care for a newborn. They are afraid of giving birth. They are afraid they might mess up. They will lose sleep and won’t be able to party like they used to. They are afraid of the responsibilities and wether or not they can support the baby. Etc…
But ask a woman who has prayed and wished and dreamed of being a mother their whole life but have only miscarried their children, what they are afraid of and they will say…..pregnancy.
Pregnancy scares me. No, pregnancy terrifies me!!! Being pregnant is supposed to be exciting. Its supposed to be beautiful and wonderful and just amazing. But pregnancy for me has been a nightmare.
I want nothing more than to be a mother. To raise my beautiful child in the ways of the Lord. To teach them the beauty of Salvation and show them the world! To watch them grow, and love and comfort them when they lose. Even making mistakes and learning from them! But the thought of growing a child in the womb that has betrayed me, clouds my passion and replaces it with fear. I do not fear the sleepless nights, or the responsibility of parenthood, or the loss of “me time” and personal freedom. Those things i actually look forward to.
But for me, the journey to motherhood has not been pleasant so far. I dont know if ill ever enjoy the idea of pregnancy because every twinge, every spot or cramp, every symptom that goes away or comes up will have me wanting to call a Dr. The weeks between ultrasounds and checkups will leave me panicking and my entire pregnancy will be full of anticipation for the end.
I won’t want to decorate or buy baby items until the very last minute. I wont look forward to a baby shower until after baby is out and alive and well. Ill be afraid of maternity photos and memories made feeling and watching baby move inside me. Because in the bsck of my mind ill never feel like my baby is safe inside of me.
Last nights dinner 1/9/13
Easiest most delicious meal
Simple and quick ingredients and super colorful and healthy!
1/2 green bell pepper
1/2 yellow bell pepper
1/2 red bell pepper
1/2 orange bell pepper
6-7 small yellow potatoes
2 cloves garlic
Handful of fresh mushrooms
Handful of cherry tomatoes
Pour olive oil in a deep dish skillet (just enough for cooking). Slice all your peppers and throw them in first, and cover. Cut up potatoes in bite sized chunks and throw them in the pan and cover. Finely chop your garlic and throw them in. Throw in the tomatoes and mushrooms and finally add the polish sausage. Let it all cook together and stir frequently! All the flavors will just mix and meld together. It’s absolutely delicious. Once the peppers begin to get a little droopy looking it’ll be done. And serve with buttered g-free rolls! :)
"“He Lost His Baby Too”
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief
Since ‘men dont cry’ and ‘men are strong’
No tears can bring relief
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest
They always ask if she’s alright
And what she’s going through
But seldom take his hand and ask
‘My friend, but how are you?’
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
He dries her tears and comforts her
But ‘stays strong’ for her sake
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave—
He lost his baby, too”
|—||By Jodie Brolese|