Journey Through My Crazy Life

I pray to him. I read his word. I have never done drugs. I have never been drunk. I have never cursed his name. I have a giving and loving heart, to the point that I’d give the shirt off my back for a person in need. I respect my parents. I have served them in more ways than anyone in their life has, I’m sure of it. I’ve dedicated my life to serving God. I’ve stuck my neck out for him. I’ve been persecuted for him. I go against the grain. I don’t live the way the world lives. I have made many many mistakes in my life of course…. But I have always cherished my God. My Savior. My creator. My heavenly father. I stayed pure and married the man God designed for me. I’ve been completely faithful to him. I have honored him as a Wife should. I have submitted to him and I serve him as a wife should. I’ve had to make hard hard choices in life just so we could follow God together. Again, I have made many many mistake in my life…. And I have been heartbroken towards God. But I have never forgotten my first love. My bridegroom. The almighty.
He blesses us. He gives life to us. He makes miracles happen.
What more do I have to do? What else can I do to prove my faithfulness? Why does he let this punishment continue? He can do all things… So why won’t he? For me? I see him doing it for those whose lives haven’t bore his fruit. My flesh wants to say… “it’s not worth the fight anymore!!!! Just give up and live the ‘easy life’”
But my spirit screams at me to repent for even thinking that way.
So what do I do?
How do I stop the “why me” and just learn to live with this ache?
Learn to smile through it? And learn to congratulate without spite in my heart? Without the evil twinge of jealousy ripping through my veins?
God, how! Equip me with this ability because I have dug deep and cannot find it within me. I just don’t know how!! I’m desperate. I’m weak. I’m so broken. Lord,….. Please. I’m begging you to take this from me

Why is God making the impossible, possible…. For everyone but me?!

Don’t give up.

lonestarmommy:

To all the women trying for to complete their lives, don’t give up.
Infertility is a battle. A battle that can be won. Infertility is a disease, a disease with solutions. Infertility is a struggle, but there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.
Don’t give up.
Yes, it’s unfair. It’s painful. It’s stressful. It’s heartbreaking. Yes, it hurts.
But you cannot give up. Your future is waiting for you.
Please, don’t give up.

When you don’t know what to say…..

I hate when there is something I want to say…I need to say… But I can’t find the right words to accurately express my feelings so that everyone would understand. I feel that if I say it how I think it, it will come out wrong and I will be judged. Now, normally I could care less what anyone else thinks or says about me… But this time. I do care. In this case, I care very much. So let’s see if I can relay the message in my heart without a negative outcome. Please don’t judge!!!!

Foster care is hard. Foster children are hard to deal with. Especially when they are older. And especially for those of us who have/had no biological children first. I’ve worked with children and in childcare for over a decade, but I’ve never been a parent. I’ve taken care of other people’s children for ever, but never on a constant daily basis in my home. And when my husband and I realized that we may never have biological children, we dove feet first into foster care without REALLY understanding what we were doing. Like I have said before, ryan and i are dreamers. We tried to map out our lives and have only failed at living out our dreams. When we accepted 3 children into our home, we were dreaming through rose colored glasses. But a mere 3 months later, we’ve taken our “beautiful life” goggles off and we see our world in true light. Is not what we imagined. It’s not what we had hoped for.
I love these kids from the bottom of my heart! I live for them everyday right now until they go home. But they aren’t MY children. Not just because they aren’t up for adoption, but because I am not attached to them the way a mother is to their child. My hope was that, like with my dear friend Joy, that once we had children in our home, my desperate desire to concieve and carry and give birth to my own beautiful healthy children would dissipate and I would learn to live again. But that dream also failed. If anything, this experience has made my desire stronger. My heart has always been for children, but now, my heart is for my own. I’ve grown tired of being a babysitter, a daycare teacher, and a nanny. And in the present, I am a full time live in nanny. Or at least that is how I feel. Again, I dearly love these children and I will do everything in my power to keep them safe and care for them for as long as it takes until they go home. But I’ve also come to realize that foster care isn’t for everyone. And im not sure if I can do this again.

One day. I hope

jspark3000:

#anomaly @lecrae @jeffersonbethke

jspark3000:

#anomaly @lecrae @jeffersonbethke

What happens when I have a mood swing…

thyroiddiseasediaries:

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Hahahaha
Yes, yes to all of them.

miscarriage-me:

<3
myinnersadness:

Always…

myinnersadness:

Always…

glowfirst:

10. Baby shower invitations now hold the same appeal as an emergency root canal.

9. You get livid when your husband masturbates during your fertile window.

8. Your iPhone’s camera roll is filled with pictures of ovulation tests. Taken through multiple filters.

7. When you see a glass of apple…

wedeserveababy:

All of this.

wedeserveababy:

All of this.

Can we just fast forward to the point where I’m pregnant now?